Culture shock and homesick

The funny thing about culture shock is that the full brunt of it hits you out of the blue.  For example, when you want to buy a soy chai latte, but cannot for the life of you explain it, and suddenly you find your eyes watering.  Or, after browsing through a grocery store where you feel completely uncomfortable, and where nobody tries to help you find the blasted garbage bags you HAVE to have here, you feel untold gratitude towards the clerk when you spot them at the corner market.  Sometimes it is the sight of something you didn't even know you missed, maybe don't even really enjoy - like Oreo cookies.  The countless frustrations throughout the day begin to just be part of the drill.  Get on the elevator with 3 people - all of whom ignore your presence.  Walk to school - nobody smiles or even makes eye contact as you pass.  Try to buy fruit from the street vendor, but he is annoyed (understandably so) with your lack of ability to count in Korean.  Ride the subway for hours around Seoul surrounded by millions of people that speak a language that you cannot understand.  While living in the middle of an area filled with cute boutique shops and tons of restaurants, you do not dare go into them, because to do so would put yourself in danger of having to communicate with somebody, or worse, NOT communicate with anybody.  

I am mostly ok with these things now.  It is a difference in cultures, and what used to dazzle and frustrate me easily, now is just a minor annoyance.  I have gotten good at just going about my day, and not worrying about how I am a puzzle piece that does not seem fit here.  The problem is that these things have a way of catching up at some point,  and that it is when culture shock really hits.  The lonely that seems like it will never end.  The overwhelming feeling that I will never really figure all of this out.  The heart-wrenching  sense that the only thing in the world I want is to be able to wake up in my bed, back in my world that I understand and am comfortable in.  The feeling always come and go, and I know they are not rational but it is hard nonetheless.  For me, I seem to get hit by culture shock the most in the middle of the night.  It starts by not being able to sleep.  Then, in order to try and go to sleep, I write.  When I write, all of those things that I think I am ok with just tumble out, and then I realize:  I am half the world away from everybody and everything I love.  I have some friends,  but overall, so far, I am totally by myself here.  And nothing, I really mean NOTHING is easy here.  Everything is hard.  I opened a bank account this week - I had to go back to the bank every day during my lunch hour for 3 days to get the correct debit card because the ban manager and I couldn't communicate with each other.  I get a new booklet for take-out food on my door almost everyday, but I can't order it because I can't read it; and I certainly can't communicate what I want.  The garbage has to be put in specific bags and taken to a specific part of the building where it is then separated into various recycling bins - which is great -  I love recycling!  The problem is that it took me about 2 weeks to figure out where to go, and how to get the bags that I needed, by which time I had some stinky garbage, as you might imagine.  I have been trying to learn some Korean, but where do I start with a language that is so far removed from anything I have ever experienced?  

These are all little things on their own, no big deal.  It is just hard when they bombard you at every turn, every time you do anything beyond your own little apartment.  I feel like a baby sometimes, just starting to walk.  I do everything very purposefully, with a great deal of trepidation.  I feel like I might fall at any moment, so I try to hold onto anything and everything I can.  It takes me several time to get something right, and to feel ok enough about it to do it with confidence.  

With that analogy in mind, I know these are just growing pains.  At some point down the road, I will be able to read Korean, and I will probably speak and understand enough of the language to get by.  I will have a larger friend base, and I will feel comfortable with the millions of little things I feel so absolutely uncomfortable with right now.  I will look back on this, and be glad that I wrote about it, because it is an important part of getting used to a new place, but I won't really be able to feel how I feel right now anymore.   I look forward to that day, but at the same time I know I have to go through these ups and downs before I start feeling really settled.  I may not, most likely ever, feel totally comfortable in Korea or in Asia in general.  I love home.  I love my family and my friends. I miss you all sooooo much right now.  I can't wait to be able to come home to visit.  Having said that, though, I love to travel.  I love that I am learning something about myself right now, and that I am experiencing something totally new.   Although some of the daily experiences may not be positive, at the end of the day there is more good than bad.   I know this will be a chapter in my life that I will always cherish, and these moments of culture shock and homesickness are just the part that makes the really good times even better.  

It is REALLY late, and I have a 12 hour day tomorrow.  I will be hurting tomorrow from being up this late writing, but it is good to get it out.  I haven 't written much the last couple of weeks because I felt that I needed to have exciting and fun entries for my blog. I did fun things, toured the city, went to the ocean, went to the mountains, but I have also felt isolated.  Who want to read a long blog about being lonely?  But, the reality is that I am not on vacation.  I am living here.  I am going through the same things I did at home.  Going to work, buying groceries, cooking dinner, washing the clothes, cleaning the apartment, working out.  I am in a new place though, so that is exciting, and I am in a far-away place, which is also exciting.  But I realized that I need to write about these things, the hard things, just as much as about the fun exciting things, because otherwise I misrepresent my life.  So - here it is, if you made it this far- this was a long blog!  :)   

xoxoxo